What is Happiness and how is it Acquired?

As per Wikipedia – Happiness is used in the context of mental or emotional states, including positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. It is also used in the context of life satisfaction, subjective well-being, Eudaimonia, flourishing and well-being.

 As per Merriam-Webster – Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment. Joy.  A pleasurable or satisfying experience.

Happiness is at face value what has been described in the above definitions; however it can be less complicated.  Happiness is simply a choice and if you want to be happy, you must choose to be happy.

You can be either “conditionally happy” or “unconditionally happy”, those are your choices.  We are mostly familiar with conditional happiness.  If circumstances go our way and we get what we expect then we allow ourselves to be happy, this is conditional happiness.  If certain conditions are met or experienced in the way we expect then the process is considered successful and we reward ourselves with happiness.   The less familiar version of happiness is unconditional happiness.  Unconditional happiness is “condition less”.  Nothing particular needs to occur in order for you to be happy, you simply choose to be happy.

Conditional happiness is what we traditionally experience and is seemingly the most popular version of happiness.  Most of us have been taught and encouraged to pursue conditional happiness since birth.  We perform in a particular way and once we achieve our desired result we experience happiness.  Happiness is our reward for accomplishment.  For example:

• If I listen to my parents, they will be proud and I will experience happiness
• If I get good grades in school, my parents will be proud and I will experience happiness
• If I get good grades in grammar school, I will be accepted in to a good High School and experience happiness
• If I get good grades in high school, I will be accepted in to a good college and experience happiness
• If I get good grades in college, I will find a good job and experience happiness
• If I perform well in my job, I will get promoted and experience happiness
• If I save enough money, I can buy a car and experience happiness
• If I get a boyfriend or girlfriend, I will experience happiness
• If I get married, I will experience happiness
• If I save enough money, I can buy a house and experience happiness
• If I have children, I will experience happiness
• If I have more children, I will experience happiness
• If I get divorced, I will experience happiness
• If I save enough money, I can retire and experience happiness

Conditional happiness means you will only be happy when that something you want is achieved and completed.  The biggest issue with this type of happiness is it’s based on a cycle of striving and is only temporarily achieved at the end of that cycle.  Most of your time in this process is focused on the end result.  You are indifferent to the process and are just determined to reach the goal and experience happiness. A few standard ways of experiencing conditional happiness are:

• Going with the flow
• Doing what you are told
• Obedience
• Striving

You can find yourself enjoying life and happiness more consistently if you are actually enjoying the entire process and fully engaged.  This is a more fulfilling way to experience happiness because you are truly enjoying the journey and not just the end result.

Scenario 1

For example, if you are dieting and your goal is lose 20 pounds.  You can conditionally reward yourself with happiness when after 3 months; you lose 20 pounds and reach your goal.  During this 3 month period you may have been miserable, counting calories, always hungry but choosing to “go with the flow” and “striving” to reach that goal regardless of the struggle.  During this time you never adjusted past the misery but continued anyway and eventually reached your goal and finally experienced momentary happiness. 3 months of suffering for a fleeting glimpse of happiness.

This is a common version of happiness.  We go through life and do what is necessary to achieve and succeed but unfortunately we sacrifice during the process.  Most of our time and effort is ignored, tolerated and on autopilot while working through a goal.  We learn this process while growing up and it becomes a good coping mechanism while progressing through tasks that are assigned to us.  For example, consider the following:

• Doing chores around the house
• Studying for tests
• Taking direction from parents

While these tasks are not something we have chosen to do, we first learn to achieve by processing tasks that are given to us.  We may have little interest in the assigned tasks but we have to complete them regardless.  We can find ourselves “going with the flow” and just drudging through until completed; once completed we experience our temporary happiness and move on.

This process can be effective while dealing with tasks and goals that are assigned to us.  If we are working on something that we have not chosen to do or isn’t interesting to us, we reluctantly progress through the process until finished.  We have become accustomed to using the “going with the flow” method.  We have spent a number of years simply pushing through tasks until completed instead of actually enjoying the process and this is what we are used to.  Once we begin to pursue goals of our own interest, we are ineffective at experiencing happiness during the process because we are in the habit of blindly “going with the flow”, “doing what we are told”, “obeying” and “striving”.

We may not be aware that we have practiced drudging though tasks and it is now second nature to drudge through and briefly enjoy happiness. We have had a lot of experience with this process, it is what we know and this is how tend to work on goals.

Scenario 2

Another approach for dieting and losing 20 pounds would entail the same 3 month period of time, but instead of a continuous struggle for the entire duration, you begin to appreciate and enjoy the actual process. You are learning healthier lifestyle habits and are becoming interested in the research and work required to reach your goal.  You want to learn as much as possible about proper dieting because you not only want to lose weight but ultimately want to enjoy a healthier lifestyle beyond the point of losing the initial 20 pounds. Happiness is being experienced during the entire process instead of only being briefly experienced after achieving your goal.  This version of happiness is fulfilling and engaging well beyond simply achieving a goal.  You are actively engaged and enjoying happiness throughout the process.     

Scenario 3

Our last approach to happiness is simply choosing to be happy.  We have stated that happiness is a choice, and the first 2 scenarios reviewed the work involved to achieve happiness.  You can be happy and engaged during the entire process or only briefly at the end of the process in those 2 scenarios.  In either scenario you can identify where the happiness is experienced.  We have all experienced these types of happiness.  If you review the first 2 scenarios you know from your own experiences where you found happiness.  You know what happiness feels like.  In the 3^rd scenario you are simply choosing to feel and experience happiness in the present moment.  No work or goals are required. 

• If you were asked to visualize a picture of a dog in your mind and hold it there for 10 seconds, assuming you knew what a dog was, you could do it.
• If you were asked to visualize a picture of a cat in your mind and hold it there for 10 seconds, assuming you knew what a cat was, you could do it.
• If you were asked to alternate between picturing a dog and cat 10 seconds at a time, you could do it.

The example of alternating a picture in your mind may seem silly, but this is how your mind operates.  You control your thoughts.  You put the pictures in to your head.  No one can really explain how this process works, but it does. 

If you extend this process of changing pictures in your mind and also take ownership of the fact that your mind controls your emotions, you try the following:

• Recall of a memory that caused sadness in your life.  Maybe the loss of a loved one or pet.  Spend 10 seconds recalling this memory until you feel sadness.
• Recall of a memory that caused anger in your life.  Maybe a time when you were betrayed or cheated. Spend 10 seconds recalling this memory until you feel anger.
•  Spend some time alternating back and forth between recalling sadness and anger.

Recalling memories of situations that produce sadness or anger may be more complex than recalling simple images of cats and dogs, but you are demonstrating that you are controlling your thoughts.  Memories and thoughts control your emotions.  You control your thoughts and therefore control your emotions by choosing your thoughts.

With sadness for example, at some point in your past you may have experienced sadness.  There were a series of events that you experienced over a period of time.  Maybe a family member was sick and was in pain for a few weeks.  You took care of this person, drove them to doctor appointments, feed them because they were too weak to prepare meals, cleaned up after them and checked in on them multiple times a day to make sure their condition was not getting worse.  There were a series of steps you experienced over a period of time and now associate that with sadness.  If you were asked to recall this process in your mind and pay attention to it, you would feel sadness again.  You did not have to repeat the physical process and wait a few weeks to experience sadness again; you simply recalled the memories and experienced sadness almost instantly. 

You control your thoughts and control your emotions.

The last way to experience happiness is to simply recall happy memories and produce happiness unconditionally.  Since you have experienced happiness before, you can recall the memory and experience the emotion.  It is not necessary to run through a series of time-consuming steps and eventually experiencing happiness as a result; instead, you can feel happiness immediately.  Conditional happiness requires you to work through a process to reach a goal and ultimately experience happiness.  You can either conditionally experience happiness by drudging through the process if it is a task that is forced into your schedule or by genuinely enjoying the process because it is interesting.  Lastly, you can experience happiness unconditionally and immediately by recalling a past memory of happiness.

Working on interesting tasks and goals is a productive and fulfilling way to live life, but always remember that happiness is a choice and is instantly available at all times.

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