Loneliness can be reduced relatively quickly and eventually overcome entirely.
Some effort will be required but the process can be fun and rewarding. You will become a better version of yourself and have more confidence than you imagined was possible. Let’s first start by reviewing what loneliness is; It is a choice and if you are in a constant state of what you feel as loneliness then it has become a habit. We have good and bad habits so the end goal is reduce the habit of loneliness and replace it with any number of positive habits.
Let us start with a quick overview of loneliness. Loneliness can be viewed as:
- Lack of friends
- Lack of love
- Feeling physically alone
Loneliness becomes an issue when you constantly believe that you are missing something. These feelings can create sadness, frustration and helplessness.
These feelings are simply thoughts that you have chosen to focus on with your present moment. You just need a way to figure out how to choose different thoughts consistently and loneliness will be reduced to fleeting insignificant thoughts that occur only occasionally instead of constantly.
Before we go over some ways to reduce these thoughts lets go over the golden process that will drastically reduce a feeling of loneliness
- Right NOW is the only moment you have to think
any thought. If you were asked to think about
the color “blue” and to now change your thought to the color “red” you can do
that easily. Try it right now:
- “blue” —-> “Red”
- “blue” —->“Red”
You run through this process daily and have done so for your entire life. Let’s now simply move over to more common sequence of thoughts:
- “What time is it” —-> “What will I eat for
dinner tonight”
- “What time is it” —-> “What will I eat for dinner tonight”
The above examples prove that you are the creator of your thoughts and have the ability to change your thoughts.
Up until this point you have chosen to think lonely thoughts, so many of your current thoughts have been dedicated to loneliness thoughts that you have become to believe you are lonely.
Let’s practice changing this cycle by not focusing on loneliness one thought at a time. You can first start by noticing your thoughts. Every time you have a lonely thought, just note it. You will begin to realize that you are thinking lonely thoughts way too often. Just notice this over the next day so; you will realize that you are constantly thinking lonely thoughts.
The short answer is to replace “lonely” thoughts with “any other thought”. When a thought of loneliness enters your mind, you notice the thought and change it to “What time is it?” for example, or “What will I eat for lunch”. Simply change the thought. Get used to practicing this and now let us move on to other areas that will help reduce loneliness thoughts and help break that habit.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a great practice to help reduce stress and loneliness. You may feel some resentment in your life and the acts of forgiveness is a great way to let-go and help yourself. In the context of loneliness, you may be angry with people in your life and have chosen up this point to stay away from friends or family because of something they done in the past:
- Embarrassed you
- Lied to you
- Disrespected you
Maybe these situations have caused you to disconnect from friends or family. Because of this, you have reduced or eliminated the time you spend with them. There are some people in life that do take advantage of others and it makes sense to distant yourself from them. But in many cases we expect a lot and exaggerate some situations. Review this concept and apply it to your life. Determine if a relationship you have disconnected from is salvageable. If you learn to forgive, you can find a way to reconnect with people. If the situation is unsalvageable then forgiveness is still possible. It does not mean you need to accept this person back in to your life, simply forgive them in your mind and move on. The act of forgiveness simply reduces stress and best case scenario opens up the possibility of reconnecting with a friend or family member. Remember that forgiveness does not need to be a verbal process you have with another person. Just use your mind to forgive then move forward.
Present Moment Focus
We reviewed this earlier but it is worth reviewing. You only ever get NOW to think a thought. When a thought enters your mind, if it is not beneficial, then simply move it out of the minds way and think a better thought.
Think of your thoughts like a diet of food for your physical body. Garbage-In-Garbage-Out. If you eat junk all day you will be unhealthy, overweight and discouraged. Quality-In-Quality-Out. If you eat healthy you will have a normalized body weight and feel balanced.
If you think lonely thoughts constantly you will feel lonely. If you think sad thoughts constantly you will feel sad. If think happy thoughts all day you will be happy.
So you just need to notice the thoughts you think. If the thought is not beneficial, dismiss it immediately and purposefully move a healthy thought in to your mind. This may seem like a daunting task but once you get in to the habit you will be surprised how little time it actually took.
Choose Not To Be Lonely
Loneliness is choice. It is as simple as that; honestly. You just need to start making different choices in your life. Choose anything other than loneliness. Choosing a state of mind is possible when you learn how to choose your thoughts. When you get in to the habit of choosing your thoughts you can now move on to more specialized thoughts. Instead of simple thoughts like changing “blue to red” you can now us your present moments to choose more complete thoughts like “I am grateful for my health”. You follow up this thought with a process such as looking at your hand and wiggling your fingers. Wiggle them one at a time and notice each finger as it wiggles. Breathe in and out and begin to relax. Repeat the process a few more times. Now slow down your breathing and take deeper breaths. Repeat this process for a minute or more. When finished, simply move on with your day and repeat this process a few times daily.
This will help adjust your mind and body helping you to choose different states of being.
Patience
Practice makes perfect. At first, anything new seems difficult. Just remember that at some point in your life you began to focus your thoughts on loneliness. You learned how to be lonely by thinking lonely thoughts over and over. You probably have no idea how long it look to become lonely but you eventually made it in to a habit. This habit will be removed when you replace it.
Like anything else you have EVER tried in life, if you became successful at it, you tried over and over again until you became proficient. Continue to practice deliberate thinking and with patience, new thoughts will become a habit and eventually you will arrive.
Exercise
Exercise is a great way to change your life. The process of exercise not only creates a healthier body, it clears your mind and can give you an opportunity to either take a break from thinking or allow you to work on focusing with healthier thoughts. If you are used to exercise you know this to be true. If you are already in the habit of exercising, use this as an opportunity to either take a break from thinking or use it to introduce healthier thoughts.
Just like exercise required a physical habit of moving and training your body, use the same dedication to train your mind. You learned how to dedicate physical time to bettering your body, so use the same principles to create a healthier mind. Start practicing thinking better thoughts. Start out slow and increase your thinking over time. Eventually better thoughts will become second nature.
If you do not exercise then now is a perfect time to start. Begin with basic walks. Simple schedule time for walking, this does not require and equipment. Find a local park or an area that less congested. Listen to music or audio books while walking to keep your mind occupied. If this is disturbing and you prefer not to listen while walking then remember to enjoy the walk first and foremost. While you are walking, if your mind wanders off to a thought of loneliness, simply adjust the thought. Focus on your steps, or your heart beat, the leaves on trees, birds singing, bug noises or even the wind.
This is a good life habit and the benefits will come quickly. You are exercising and training your mind simultaneously.
Reconnect With Friends
We discussed forgiveness earlier but your situation may be simpler. Maybe you have just disconnected with friends for other reasons. People get busy with work and life or other priorities and unfortunately may spend less time with friends. Maybe you just need to revisit some old email or text messages. Pickup right where you left off, no reason to over analyze, just respond to the last message you have access to and write:
“Hello Bob, just checking in, hope you are well. It has been a while and it would be great to catch up. Talk to you soon!”
You can make a phone call too, but sometimes it is easier and less stressful to simply respond to message.
Connecting with friends is a great way to enjoy and appreciate life.
Get Disconnected
We discussed reconnecting with friends but it may make sense to steer clear of online systems that “count friends”. These systems tend to contribute to loneliness because it seems like everything is exaggerated. There is always a “friend count” visible and very noticeable and our society tends to encourage “MORE” of everything. Dozens of “friends” and “professional” contacts is not very accurate or conducive of a fulfilled life. These online systems also show the highlights of everyone’s life. Perfect trips, perfect pictures, great smiles, it seems that all of your connections have a perfect life. Please ignore this stuff. It does not paint an accurate picture and distorts your expectations. A handful of friends should be a realistic goal. Disconnecting or limiting social media is a good plan for reducing loneliness.
Get Active or Travel
Keeping your mind and body moving and experiencing is very helpful when addressing loneliness. Keeping busy keeps your mind occupied. Remember that we are trying to break the habit of loneliness and traveling and keeping active is a great way keep your mind and body flowing.
If you are working, don’t forget to use all of your vacation days, even if you can roll them over, use them ALL. If you are self-employed, schedule time for travel and other activities. Activity begets activity. You will find new opportunities to pursue change as you travel and get outside more.
Depending on your aptitude, you can use the above mentioned items to help replace thoughts of loneliness rather quickly. Try the outlined items in an order that makes most sense to you. Start with the items that seem easiest and introduce the others at an acceptable pace. Your results can be achieved very quickly and as you incorporate them consistently you will undoubtedly remove the habit and choice of loneliness and soon have your present thoughts replaced with more empowering hobbits.