Yes loneliness occurs – But don’t worry, you got this.
Let’s review a common situation and figure out what to expect. Up until this point you have been a family unit. Married with children and used to the habits that comes with the territory. You have activities, school, doctor visits, carpooling, family dinners and family trips. That covers the basics.
You have been busy and caught up in the usual activates that go along with parenting and raising a family. Now because of a divorce a lot of these habits will be adjusted.
You may be in a situation where your income is reduced because it is no longer being pooled, you may have also lost access to some assets or savings.
The family dynamic has changed and you most likely will be seeing less of your children. Your schedule has changed, living conditions have changed. Your ability to support your family financially has changed.
Loneliness seems to be an inevitable byproduct of your divorce. You no longer have a spouse and have less access to your children; you will absolutely feel lonely at the beginning of this process.
- You no longer have a partner
- You no longer have uninterrupted access to your children
- Your living environment will be less crowded
- You may be forced to move
- You are doing more on your own now
Depending on what you cherished most in your relationship will set the course of how you will be affected.
Change is part of life
Divorce is a big change. You will find that change is the biggest part of our lives. Everything is in the constant state of change. Unfortunately most of us do not like change and Divorce feels like a punishment and is “Bad for business”. Your family is supposed to be a pillar and constant and now this seems false. It may seem unfortunate and extreme but think of everything else in your life, change is inevitable but the process crates new opportunities. Divorce is no exception, it is a big change, but like every other change in your life, new opportunities will become apparent to you and your children. You may have less time with your children but will have a better ability to work with them and help them become the best versions of themselves possible. Think of this change as a great opportunity for you and your children. A divorce will force a fresh start to a new life where you will have a great opportunity to fine tune your family experience.
Stop Worrying
We all tend to worry and a divorce seems like the perfect event that will give you abundant capacity to worry. Just think of the money you just lost because of the divorce. Maybe you lost your home or a large sum of saved money from your 401K? Maybe you lost access to a partner that helped support what you perceived to be a comfortable lifestyle. Maybe you will not have full access to your children and need to share days of time and you feel that this schedule will destroy all the work you put into shaping your family up until this point. Maybe you feel overwhelmed because you have to deal with empty beds and a quite home a few days in a row. Maybe you feel like you will never find another great friend and lover and will be alone forever. Maybe you are nervous that if you do find yourself in another relationship that it is destined to fail.
Don’t worry or stop worrying. From an ancient writing, “This Too Shall Pass” sums up anything on your worry list. This is proof that people have been suffering forever and that statement is still relevant. You will be OK and so will your children. Initially, all major changes are painful, especially a divorce. Think of any major unpleasant event that you have experienced in life up until this point, it was excruciating when it first occurred but with time, the pain lessened.
More time to focus on improvement
Divorce provides a great opportunity to focus and reinvent you. You may have lost a partner and lost some time with your children but this will give you some useful downtime. You have more time to yourself and can work on making changes that will help you and your children. If you are not already in the habit of creating a better you then now is a perfect time to start. If you have always been in the habit of bettering yourself, you now have more time to do a better job. It’s not selfish to focus on yourself; a better version of yourself will always benefit you. A healthy, confident version of yourself is not only great for you but for your children too. Leading by example is always conveyed to the ones around you just through your presence alone. Nonverbal communication is the default communication people pickup while just in your presence. Your children along with the company you keep will feel better around a better version of you.
Focus on yourself through better choices and a healthier lifestyle
Better access to your children
The odds are if you are divorced there was probably friction in the family. You and your partner may have argued about issues related to:
- Education
- Encouragement
- Discipline
- Diet
- Recreation
The great news is that the arguing is over and the environment is calmer. Everyone benefits. You now have a better opportunity to work with your children and with less friction. You will have larger blocks of uninterrupted time to love and lead by example.
Keeping busy
If loneliness is a major issue for you and you don’t yet know exactly how to deal with it, start by jut keeping busy. Keeping busy for the sake of being busy is not the best long term plan, but it does keep you occupied, and when you are occupied with one thing you are not thinking about another thing.
Ultimately, loneliness is choice but until you realize that and figure out new habits, just try to keep busy.
- Exercise
- Focus more on an existing hobby
- Read more books (or listen to audiobooks)
- Find a new hobby
- Do some cleaning or yard work
- Research some possible new projects
- Schedule time to catch up with some friends
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
The biggest take away from a divorce is to not beat yourself up over the situation. It is what it is and you are being forced to change. A general life lesson is that if you do not have control over a situation then you should not fixate and demand controlling the outcome. You will catch colds on occasion no matter how much you exercise and regardless of the supplements you take. Sometimes you will lose your job. Sometimes your car stops working. Sometimes your team will lose a game even if everyone performed flawlessly. Sometimes relationships end.
Once something has happened, it has happened and cannot be changed. It is important that you realize and accept this process.
Embrace your Loneliness
You may feel alone after a divorce and be stressed over the children, but don’t worry, this is an opportunity.
As discussed, loneliness is a choice and you have control over your choices. You cannot control the things you have no control over. Let’s face it, the only thing in life we have control over are our thoughts. So when you start to choose different thoughts you will no longer be “Lonely”. Until you master the ability to control your thoughts like a light switch, start to develop habits that will make you a better person. Once this process starts to become a habit you will begin to see better opportunities for you and your children. Everyone will become better versions of themselves.